Here's the archive of all the sarcasm and commentary I made on Twitter as the show played.
0:01: Tilted cam. Very Joel Schumacher. Not a good start.
0:02: Looks like they slashed the lighting budget....
0:08: Whenever I see the name Saffron Burrows, I have to remind myself she isn't the daughter on AbFab.
0:12: Oh, Fitz you are so cute trying to be badass.
0:15: Pumping Coulson for information. This will not end well...
0:18:"He's acting like a robot version of himself." How would SHE know that?!?!
0:20: Fixing a TV to gain the native's trust. I swear that was a plot point on Michael Palin's Ripping Yarns.
0:21: No wait. That was them losing the natives' trust by blowing up a radio. Mea culpa.
0:22: It definitely involved natives, trust and a sporting event! I remember that!
0:26: Coulson just got an "Out of Cheese Error. Please Reboot Universe." Message.
0:38: "Is that what SHIELD's all about?" Uh.. yeah. Thought that's why you were fighting them before you got caught?
0:47: This
0:51: This fight scene reminds me of the final battle from Yor: The Hunter From The Future.
0:54: Totally calling this now - Skye's mom is Mary Parker.
0:59: And... not surprisingly, they are hiding Coulson's injury report from him. Seems legit.